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Dating a passive guy
This week, I will discuss how that double-bind for women may have resulted in a double-bind for men as well.Today, men are given confusing and contradictory advice.These men may further be regarded as "just friends"—expected to pay for all of the costs of a relationship, without the physical and intimate benefits (see here).
So, until a new equilibrium is reached in these evolving social norms, men have difficult choices to make.
Essentially, they seem to have to either appease social norms (for relationships and acceptance) or evolved standards of attractiveness (and get sexual fulfillment).
If men choose to follow social norms and become compliant as "good guys", they may get a "relationship partner". biological double-bind, these compliant men may also not be "attractive" to those same relationship partners (Buss & Shackelford, 2008).
As a result, they may be punished by their girlfriend's/wife's lack of sexual interest, being cheated on, or disrespected as a "push over".
Men often define these women along evolutionary psychology lines—women who are sexually-selective, faithful, physically attractive, and have a pleasant, respectful disposition (for more on these qualities, see Buss, 2003 and my own articles here and here).
Unfortunately, these qualities are again part of women's double bind, with social norms sometimes guiding them away from these biologically feminine characteristics.When punishments weight more heavily, people avoid those same behaviors.Essentially, many men report that they find modern dating a primarily punishing affair.Therefore, these men may get sex, but they often do not get love and respect.Overall, men in either case report also having a difficult time finding what they label "attractive" women for longer-term relationships.With this strategy, men are often able to fulfill their short-term sexual needs—especially within the modern, socially-sanctioned climate of "hook-ups" and causal encounters.In fact, many of these men are former virgins and "nice guys" who previously could not get their physical needs addressed.Overall, they report that there is often little incentive for men to date and even less for them to consider long-term commitments.In a previous article, I put forward the notion that individuals were not "afraid" to date—rather they simply did not have sufficient incentive to do so (see here).Welcome back to The Attraction Doctor Last week, I discussed why women can't find a "good" man (here).In that article, I explained my hypothesis that women are stuck in a double-bind between what they are told through modern social norms and their own biological motivation.