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He may have an ability to speak boarding school English with a fake Eton accent.

While many German men are often six feet tall and blond, Aristos are always six feet tall and blond.

The Catch: Aristo man probably has a vast Schloss somewhere on the Rhine, a place so beautiful you start fantasizing about updating it with expensive Italian furniture. Once he gets you home, all the ‘I-want-to-be-English-just-like-you-my-sweetness’ business will swiftly come to a screeching halt.

Aristo German Male may even initially encourage your fantasies. You will be forced to eat Leberwurst, meet his 100-year-old granny and walk the family gun dogs -- who, sensing that you’re not really posh, will bite you.

INTELLECTUAL GERMAN MALE Stop reading Heat magazine! Intellectual German Male won’t be seen dead with you if you don’t. Distinguishing marks: Looks and dresses like Robin Williams in “Dead Poet’s Society." Just less American. Favorite Activities: Listening to 1980s hard rock and moaning about capitalism, the euro and the fact his rent costs more than 3 pounds a week. Birkenstock-wearing, lentil-eating, Organic German Male is right-on when it comes to global warming, nuclear power and organic gardening.

He’s spent his entire life cocooned in a university, is fluent in Serbo-Croatian and doesn’t own a television. Habitat: Pseudo-arty Berlin cafés with gilded mirrors and black and white pictures of Marlene Dietrich on the wall. OSSI GERMAN MALE He can say "I Love You" in Russian. For Ossi German male -- a product of former East Germany -- life was better when the Berlin Wall was still standing, or so they'll tell you. Yawn Distinguishing marks: Organic German Males usually have big troubled eyes (the planet is dying, you know).

It is perfectly possible for an attractive woman -- who in most countries wouldn't have a second to powder her nose from so much flirting -- to stand in the corner alone at a German party and not be approached a single time.

Bottom line: If you want a relationship with a German dude, be prepared to do the heavy lifting yourself.

You’re likely therefore, to catch a glimpse of him and his geeky Internet-addicted mates at higher education establishments, grubby clubs and student canteens.

Their apartments tend to be chock full of books and CDs with a bicycle propped against the wall next to the couch.

Intellectual German Male whiles away time by writing books, reading esoteric academic papers, starting discussions about German philosophers while smoking strong French cigarettes, drinking espresso, reading the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung and eyeing up diaphanous, high-cheek-boned French women. They are fond of saying things like, "The country I come from doesn't exist anymore." What happened to that good old collectivist spirit, eh? Often has an unhealthy obsession with stonewashed circa 1983 denim, Trabant cars and the German Baltic Sea coast. He may also have dreadlocks and often wears a scarf even when the sun is shining.

Favorite Activities: Hiding copies of "The Da Vinci Code" in bookshops. The Catch: Every time you try and talk to him, he’ll be too busy reading or “having important thoughts." The truth is: Intellectual German Male is probably a misogynist and, frankly, you never had a chance. Habitat: Look for Organic German Male in organic supermarkets (by the Tofu) and at anti-fur or anti-America demonstrations.

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